"Good parenting is not about making sure your child is happy. A big part
of it is about helping him or her learn to deal confidently with setbacks
and adversities that are an inevitable part of life. Constantly rescuing
kids from their frustrations does not help them learn critical coping
----Michele Borba, Ed. D.
"If you don't stop that, I'm going to leave you here."
The Parent Talk above is listed on a handout that I distribute every
time I present a parent seminar. It appears under the category "THE TEN
WORST THINGS YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR CHILD."
I hear this statement occasionally in grocery stores, malls, and amusement
parks. It's usually uttered by a frustrated parent who is attempting to
get a young child to behave. Hearing what I had to say about it, a policeman
at one of my recent parent talk workshops told me about an experience
he once had at a 4th of July parade. A woman approached him dragging her
preschool child. She pointed at him and told the child, "If you don't
straighten up, I'm going to leave you here with him." Naturally, the policeman
was shocked and upset that this woman was teaching her child to fear police.
"If you don't stop that, I'm going to leave you here" is a scare tactic
designed to manipulate a child into behaving in a desired manner. It's
a sign that the parent needs to be in time-out.
All children have abandonment fears. Their worst fear is that a parent
will leave them, that they will be lost, or that they won't be safe. Please
refrain from threatening children with this frightening piece of Parent
If you hear yourself using this language, stop. Take a break. Buy a
soft drink. Sit down and relax.
Give your child a choice. Tell your child, "You have two choices. You
can continue this behavior and we will go home, or you can stop the behavior
and we will stay and shop. You decide." Then follow through: Do what you
said you would do.
Chick Moorman's "Parent Talk: How to Talk to Your Children in Language
That Builds Self-Esteem and Encourages Responsibility" is now in paperback.
This 301-page book is available through Personal Power Press at (toll-free)
877-360-1477 or firstname.lastname@example.org. "Parent Talk" is also available at local
bookstores for $13.00. Ask for the Simon and Schuster Fireside Original.
3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation [back to top]
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go and see what arrives to replace it?
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An honest seven-year-old calmly admitted to her parents that Billy Brown
had kissed her after school. "How did that happen?" gasped the mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me
According to Ann Landers, the average teenager uses the phrase "It's
not fair" 86 times a day. Her advice? Life is not fair. Get used to it.
We have a FAIR jar at our house. A 50-cent fine is assessed whenever
anyone uses the word "fair." We will be spending that money this summer
at the real fair - the Midland County Fair.
7. Reprinting articles [back
I have many parenting articles that
you are free to reprint in other publications or newsletters at no cost.
All you have to do is reprint an article in its entirety along with my
byline, credits, and complete contact information.
Articles may be found in:
8. Parent Talk Training of Trainers [back
The next training of trainers for the Parent Talk System is scheduled
for Dearborn, MI, from July 31 to August 2, 2003. Email email@example.com
and request that a full brochure be mailed to your home.
Dealing with Whining: The Do's and Don'ts
by Chick Moorman
Jason Meredith's two-year-old son whines when he wants more juice. Brenda
Kreuger's eight-year-old daughter whines about having to take piano lessons.
Connie Gustufson's daughter whines about not getting enough playing time
on the softball team. Each parent finds the whining annoying, but is unsure
what to do about it. In each case, both parent and child could be helped
by the following guidelines:
Do expect your child to whine. It is age-appropriate at two, three,
eight, thirteen, nineteen, and every age in between. Children will whine.
Count on it.
Don't say, "Stop whining." That doesn't work. Children do not like being
ordered around under normal circumstances. When they are whining, they
like it even less. One thing worse than a whiner is a whiner that engages
you in a power struggle.
Do say, "Madison, that's whining. Whining doesn't work with me. What
works with me is to ask in a normal voice using a normal tone at a normal
volume. If you do that, sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you
don't, but it's your only hope."
Don't be surprised if you're tested. Your child will check you out to
see if you meant what you just said. Show your child that you did mean
Don't cave. You may be tested more than once. Once your child realizes
that whining doesn't work, he or she will drop the behavior. A child who
fights does so because that behavior works for him or her. A child who
runs away from fights does so because that works for him or her. A child
who gives excuses does so because that behavior works for him or her.
Show your child that whining doesn't work with you.
Do announce that your bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, and the
car are whine-free zones. Put up whine-free signs if necessary.
Do allow your child to whine. Provide a whining area. The child's bedroom
will work well for this purpose. With a legitimate whining area, your
child can continue to whine if he or she chooses, and you don't have to
Don't whine to your spouse about your whining child. You are always
modeling. Your child learned whining behavior somewhere. Could it have
been from you?
Do use a whine fine for older children. Assess each whiner $1.00 per
whine. Keep it in a whine jar or whine bottle. Treat yourself to dinner
out or a massage when the whine toll allows.
Do allow children to whine in a whining journal. Inform them that you
will listen to all whining if it is written down.
Do praise your child when he or she asks in a normal voice using a normal
tone at a normal volume. Don't take children to stores, malls, or relatives'
homes after their normal bedtimes. If you do, you're asking for whining.
Whining, both theirs and yours, increases with tiredness.
Do use preventative communication before you enter whine zones. Have
a talk in the car before you enter the grocery store. Explain the purpose
of the trip. Set the ground rules. Make your expectations clear before
you enter the whine zone, and you will experience less whining when you
Do inform your child that you are having trouble hearing when he or
she whines. Say that your child is hard to understand when he or she chooses
that tone. Tell your child that whining hurts your ears and they close
down for whine protection.
Do make a copy of this article and carry it around with you. Doing so
will help you stay conscious that whining is a behavior you have made
a commitment to eliminate.
Don't get discouraged. Whining is learned behavior. Learned behavior
can be unlearned, and if you use these strategies consistently, your child
will learn new behaviors to replace it.
To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses
presented by Chick Moorman contact him at toll free, 877/360-1477 or email IPP57@aol.com
Copyright 2002 Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share
this with your circle.