"We do not learn from our experience. We learn from processing our
Dewey's belief that we learn from processing our experience was clearly
demonstrated during the recent Shultz family vacation. Rondell and Cindy
Schultz and their two children rented a small three-room apartment that
served as their headquarters for four days over the winter break. They
this mini-condo as a meeting place, kitchen, bedroom, and recreation area
when they weren't on the slopes skiing.
Since the Schultz family had never before attempted a winter vacation
this nature, the trip became an exciting adventure for them. The experience
of living together in such close quarters for four days presented them
new data about themselves, their family, and one another.
As Rondell reported, "Since we had never done anything like this
a family, it was interesting to see how we handled it. We had some positive
surprises, and there were some things I wish we had done differently.
trip was definitely a learning experience for all of us."
While the four-day experience in the snow did help the Schultzes increase
their knowledge of themselves as a family, the real learning took place
the car on the way home. That's when they did the processing. During the
five-hour trip from the condo to their home, they put away their walk
earphones, and game boy, focusing instead on one another. Everyone took
turn and shared what they liked best about the vacation. Then they told
what they didn't like and what they would like to have happen differently
next time. They also discussed how to improve family outings in the future,
recording their ideas on paper and listing things they wanted to remember
to bring next time as well as things they could do without. They set goals
for their next family vacation. In other words, they analyzed, generalized,
compared, and contrasted. They evaluated, predicted, and rank ordered
Did they learn a lot from having their four-day experience? Yes. Did
learn even more as they processed the experience? Definitely.
3. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation [back to top]
Is there something that feels or appears frantic to you today? What if
responded to it by not responding? What if you replaced action with quiet
Subscriber comments, ideas, and concerns are valued. Email your
comment to IPP57@aol.com
Noticed on a white Hyundai in Chelsea, MI:
I am too blessed to be stressed.
5. Subliminal Correspondence [back
Submitted by Tony Summers
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need. $o if you
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is
NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.
One out of every two children in America will live in a single-parent
family at some point in their childhood.
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7. Summer Training of Trainers [back
Take a giant step toward helping the parents in your community. Become
skilled facilitator of the Parent Talk System by attending our summer
facilitator training. Join the growing number of people from around the
world (USA, Mexico, Spain) who have learned how to help parents raise
responsible, caring, confident children. We will help you learn to put
highly effective PARENT TALK skills into the hands of parents in your
church, school, or organization. You will leave this three-day training
with the skills and confidence to touch the hearts and minds of parents
Parent Talk System Training Details:
July 29, 30, 31 (Note corrected dates!)
Spring Arbor University Campus
Facilitated by Chick Moorman and Judith Minton. Limited to 25 participants.
Graduate credit available. To request a detailed brochure, email
email@example.com. (Be sure to include your mailing address.)
8. Article: "Dealing with Lying:
The Do's and Don'ts" [back
by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller
Jason Roberts listened to his son's explanation of the missing cookies
then called him a liar. Brenda Taylor thought her three-year-old's lies
were cute, so she ignored them. Yee Chen told her daughter that if she
the truth this time, she would let it go.
While all of these parents love their children and want them to develop
truth telling as a virtue, each violated one of the eighteen do's and
don'ts of dealing with lying. Read on to find out how.
1. Do understand that all children lie. Dogs bark. Cats meow. And children
lie. Your neighbors' children lie. Your sister's children lie. And yes,
your own children lie.
2. Don't confuse exaggeration with lying. Young children often exaggerate.
Embellished stories are more a sign of a creative imagination than of
person who does not tell the truth. Pre-schoolers are spontaneous and
impulsive with their explanations and stories. Don't confuse this with
3. Don't label your child verbally or mentally brand your child as a
A liar is something one is - a part of one's being. Telling a lie is a
behavior one does once in awhile. An occasional lie does not make your
child a liar. It is a behavior your child chose, not a permanent part
his or her essence.
4. Don't ask questions that set your child up to lie. If the last piece
cake is gone and your daughter has cake crumbs on her face, don't ask
she ate the cake. That's laying a trap, expecting her to lie. Say instead,
"I'm disappointed that you ate the cake. There will be no more snacks
5. Do be honest. If you're unsure whether or not your child broke the
dish, say, "That doesn't sound like the truth to me," or, "I
can't think of
another way it could have happened." In this way you refrain from
your child and simply share your thoughts about the situation from your
6. Don't jump immediately to the conclusion that your child is lying
or she relates a story. Your child's perspective on a situation may be
different from yours. Your child may be seeing an event from one narrow
point of view. Although your child's viewpoint may be markedly different
from yours, that doesn't mean that he or he is lying.
7. Do recognize that a child who lies frequently is often struggling
a low self-esteem. This child has problems with identity and self-worth.
such a case, lying is a strategy to protect the self from feelings of
being good enough. Lying is the symptom, not the problem.
8. Do help your child be successful. Even the child who seems to lie
frequently is looking for a chance and a way to be successful. If the
is feeling successful, he or she will feel less need to lie.
9. Don't ignore lying. The lies as well as the problems that underlie
will get bigger if lying is left unattended. Since lying is often about
needing attention, a child who tells lies always has something to say,
whether his or her comments are accurate or not. If little lies do not
your attention, do not be surprised if the lies increase in size and
10. Do recognize a lie as a call for help. Your child is attempting to
communicate. He or she is saying, "Help me be successful, feel good
myself, gain a sense of belonging, and/or receive attention." Hear
words that lie beneath the lie.
11. Do reduce the power struggle over lying by saying, "I don't
you" rather than "You're lying." When you accuse children
of lying by
saying, "You're a liar" or "You're lying," it's easy
for them to argue that
they were telling the truth. They can't argue, however, with your beliefs.
"I don't believe you" is about you and what you believe.
12. Don't try to rationalize with your child as a way to deal with the
lies. Lies aren't always rational, and the child who engages in lying
not in a rational frame of mind. You might understand rational, logical
thinking at this point. Your child will not.
13. Do implement consequences that connect responsibilities to
opportunities. "If you choose to lie about what you were doing on
Internet, you choose to lose that responsibility for a week." "When
choose not to tell the truth about what you prepared for dinner, you lose
my trust and the opportunity to prepare your own dinner."
14. Do follow through on the consequences of lying. If your child has
his or her bicycle opportunities for two days, make sure the two days
15. Don't make rules that will punish future lying or use threats to
stop a child from lying. When you threaten a child with, "If you
more time . . ," the child hears, "I expect you to do that one
16. Don't promise your child that if he or she tells the truth, the
consequence will be lighter. This is a form of plea bargaining that
confuses children. Hold your child accountable for his or her behavior
example, breaking a window) as well as for the lie that attempted to cover
it up. Refuse to be distracted from the original behavior.
17. Don't assume that everything your child says is a lie. If you always
treat your child's words as lies, why should your child ever want to tell
the truth? What incentive exists for truth telling if you're going to
what your child says is a lie anyway?
18. Do realize that transforming lying behavior takes time. Look for
improvement in the behavior rather than for a complete elimination of
As the child gains self-confidence, the reasons for lying diminish. As
child recognizes that he or she is telling fewer lies, your child will
better about himself or herself, and the lying will decrease even more.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of "Couple Talk:
How to Talk Your Way to a Great Relationship" (available from Personal
Power Press at (toll-free) 877-360-1477). They also publish a FREE email
newsletter for couples. Subscribe to it at firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.thomashaller.com.
Hello Mr. Moorman,
I teach with your son Matt. I heard you speak a couple of years ago when
you keynoted our back-to-school days in August. I enjoyed your presentation
and your book, "Spirit Whisperers." You helped me give myself
talk with students about important issues in addition to math, which I
I was also pleasantly surprised that your message contained some
simple ideas on how to improve parenting skills as well. Naturally, I
bought "Parent Talk" too. My husband knew I was loving your
book and heard
some of the new ways I was using to speak to our older son, age 5. Just
fact that I was reading the book made us BOTH more conscious of how we
I did not pester my husband about reading "Parent Talk" because
I believe each person has to be ready to buy into new ways of doing things.
It cannot be forced. However, I do admit to slipping it into the bathroom
reading material, cleverly nestling it between "This Old House"
Recently our family of four had congregated in the bedroom. My husband
on the bed with our baby, and the 5-year-old was bouncing all over the
place, annoying my dear hubby. After a couple of failed attempts to
communicate his expectations, my husband looked up at me and said, "Can
help me with this one?" So I said, "Ethan, I wonder if you can
find a way
to help Daddy with his problem. He is trying to settle your brother down
for bed. When you bounce around and make noise, Daddy can't do this. What
could you do to help Daddy solve his problem?" Immediately our
five-year-old said, "How about I go get a book, and we can read it
before the baby falls asleep?" My husband looked up at me with an
appreciative look and said, "OK, I'll read the book."
Hello, Empowered Mother,
Thank you for sending this story. It warms my heart to hear how people
using the Parent Talk skills to communicate more effectively with their
children. Have you and/or your husband ever thought of becoming Parent
trainers? We have a summer training scheduled for July. (See details in
this newsletter, item #7 above.)
Chick Moorman is featured in the Winter 2004 issue of "Children
of the New Earth." His
column, entitled "Parent Talk: Helping Children Express Their Feelings,"
offers several Parent Talk strategies for helping children recognize,
and talk about their feelings. Also included are the seven things you
say to help your child feel heard.
To subscribe or obtain further information, visit their Web site: www.childrenofthenewearth.com.
11. Managing Your Subscription [back
A.) If you are receiving the newsletter as a forward and would like
to insure that you get your personal free subscription, e-mail email@example.com and request to be added to the parent newsletter.
B.) To remove yourself from this list, e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org and ask to be deleted from the parent newsletter.
C.) Back issues of the Response-Able Parenting Newsletter can be found here.
D.) Are you interested in receiving our educator newsletter?
If so, e-mail email@example.com and request
to be added to the educator newsletter list.
E.) Please recommend this free e-newsletter to any parent who is interested
in adding tools to their parenting tool box.
F.) Please notify us if your e-mail address is about to change. Send
your name and new e-mail address to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Be sure to let us know your old e-mail address so we can unsubscribe it.
To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses
presented by Chick Moorman contact him at toll free, 877/360-1477 or email IPP57@aol.com
Copyright 2004 Chick Moorman Seminars, all rights reserved. Share
this with your circle.