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The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter 41

June 2, 2005

Welcome! This is a free newsletter on becoming a Response-Able parent raising Response-Able children.

www.chickmoorman.com 1-877-360-1477

www.thomashaller.com 1-989-667-5654

 

MISSION STATEMENT

Our mission is to strengthen families and improve parent communication skills (including our own) by helping parents learn practical, usable verbal strategies for raising responsible, caring, confident children.


IN THIS ISSUE

1. Explanation of Unique Edition

2. We Get Email

3. I Couldn't Sleep Last Night


1. Explanation of Unique Edition


Welcome to this unique edition of The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. Our email response to the past issue was especially heavy. It was so heavy that we decided to publish this special edition that deals almost exclusively with responses to email.

It is not possible for us to answer all the emails we receive. Even with two of us, many emails have to go unanswered each month. We do read them though. And we love to get them. Thank you for sending your questions, concerns, appreciation, encouragement, and affirmation. And most of all, thanks for reading.


2. We Get Email


by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller

 

Dear Chick and Thomas,

I am writing this in response to the letter you published from the lady whose sister-in-law threatened to send everyone to military school. When I was a pre-teen, my mother spent her time trying to correct my behavior by threatening to send me to boarding school. It took her many months to realize that the threats, far from eliciting a change in behavior, actually perpetuated the very things she was trying to correct. At that age I was an adventurous child who enjoyed trips away from home, whether accompanied by family or not. The idea of attending school in another city far from home, far from deterring me, actually appealed to me and reinforced the very behavior patterns my mother was trying to change. Eventually she got wise to what was going on and changed her tactics.

So parents, before you furnish consequences for actions, make sure that they are going to have the desired effect.

Colleen Reid

Benoni

South Africa

 

Hello Colleen,

This is so much fun to hear from you in South Africa. Thank you for taking the time to send your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Chick and Thomas

 

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Hi, Chick!

I'm so happy that I saw/heard you at the Bedford Library in Monroe County a couple weeks back. My friend (also the president of our preschool) has been raving about you for nearly 4 years now. Now I know what all the hype was about. I look forward to reading your books & receiving more newsletters. And, I am also happy to see that you seem to be healthy & recuperating well from your health setbacks.

In Bedford, you spoke about math anxiety & it reminded me of an incident a few years back. At the time, my daughter was about 4 and got some wipe-off addition cards for Christmas. She completed the whole deck in about an hour to my amazement so I used descriptive praise like you recommend and proudly exclaimed, "Wow, Natalie! You did all 72 math problems without even taking a rest!"

Obviously upset, she cried out, "Problem? What's the problem?"

I realized how ignorant it is to refer to math equations as problems & to this day my husband and I are still trying to break ourselves of that bad habit of using the term math problem! How discouraging to be introduced to a new process as a problem. Thankfully, Natalie is now finishing 1st grade and often writes & solves math equations for fun & her teacher regularly sends home math games to play with dice & playing cards. How refreshing to approach it playfully, rather than with the agonizing & distressful attitude that our generation was taught.

Thanks again! Keep up the great work!!

Babs in Monroe, MI

 

Hello Babs,

Yes, why do we call them problems? You know I believe in the power of words and advocate being impeccable in our choice of language in the Parent Talk book. I hadn’t really thought about the impact that word can have on children used in that context. I appreciate you sharing your insight.

Warmly,

Chick

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Chick and Thomas,

I love your books as well as your wonderful newsletter.

My wife and I have three beautiful children. Their ages are 8, 4, and 1. I wish to ask one question: What is your advice to us parents who occasionally blow every good and noble lesson we've learned from you?

You know, when the frustrations of daily life, i.e., work and family and financial crisis, etc., have been allowed to drive us to the point of sharing the frustration in a way that is unproductive and completely counter to the lessons we've learned. For instance, when I find myself losing my temper and my self-control and I raise my voice to the point of shouting at my children as an unproductive response to their unwillingness to do as I've asked them, which ends in the baby grabbing the 4-year-old's food and spilling it onto the floor, after I'd told them to move the food away from the edge of the table before the baby grabs hold of it and spills it . . . (Sounds petty to me even now . . .) But my intense response makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior, plus I realize that I am, thereby, modeling a very undesirable behavior to my children, which compounds my feelings.

I wind up disliking myself for behaving so ridiculously . . . I'm assuming that I'm not the only concerned dad out there who occasionally behaves like a moron in front of his little gifts and blessings from the Good Lord. So, Chick and Thomas, what advice do you offer for those of us in situations such as mine?

Sincerely,

Curt, Tallahassee, FL

Thanks!!!

 

Tallahassee Curt,

No one does perfect parenting all the time. We all blow it on occasion. The positive point here is that you hear it, you notice, and you want to do it differently. Being conscious of your words and actions and the effect they have on children is a big step in the right direction. If you remain unconscious there is not much you can do to move to enlightened parenting. Like yourself for being a conscious parent.

The first commitment in The 10 Commitments book is “I commit to remembering that experience can be messy.” Things do get spilled. See it as an opportunity to teach solution seeking. Debrief with your children how the mess happened and what can be done next time to prevent it. Involve them in the search for solutions. The dialog and learning that can come from this is more valuable than making sure no mess happens to begin with.

Get conscious of the volume of your voice. Use the loudness as a signal to back off. Take three deep breaths, count to ten. Move UP in consciousness before you move IN with action. (Actually the fourth commitment.) Move up by talking to yourself before you talk to the child. Say to yourself, “I want to remember he is only four. Four-year-olds spill things, they keep food close to the edge of the table, they don’t think like an adult. I can’t expect a four-year-old to be six or eight.” By moving UP in consciousness before you move IN with action you insure the action you take will have a greater chance of impacting the child positively without wounding the spirit.

Best wishes,

Chick and Tom

 

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Hello,

I thought the advice given on why not to spank your child was well written and made a lot of sense. I say this though with reservations because it seems that corporal punishment may be needed as a last resort for child discipline. The Bible seems to be full of quotes on this as well. My question then is this: why is corporal punishment not recommended for child discipline when the Bible seems to support it?

Thanks.

Lori from Texas

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As a Bible-believing Christian, I have to say that there are several verses in the Bible that defend spanking as not only a tool in the parenting toolbox but as a necessity in raising good children. I'm not talking abuse here. I'm not even talking about spanking when angry. And I'm not talking about it as if it is the only tool or best tool in the toolbox, but I believe that the Bible is God's word and that Solomon, who wrote it under God's inspiration, WAS actually the wisest man who ever lived.

So I believe a spanking can work without all those negative feelings or consequences that you named in your newsletter. If a spanking is a stated consequence for certain behavior, and if the parent can do the spanking without temper involved, and if the spanking doesn't physically injure the child, then it can be an effective disciplinary tool. For sure, some people misuse spankings and may even be abusive, but others use the spankings effectively without emotional harm to the child.

Unsigned

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Dear Thomas,

I know you have a strong Christian background, having heard you preach a few years ago. I have a question for you.

Like you and Chick, I do not believe in spanking either. But many of my other Christian friends keep telling me about “sparing the rod and spoiling the child.” Surely God doesn’t want us to hit our children, does He? I believe in a God of love. What do you make of all this?

Thanks in advance,

Beth Jerry

Saginaw, MI

 

Dear Beth, Lori, Unsigned, and others,

As you know, in our last parenting newsletter, Chick and I shared our beliefs on spanking in the article, “This Is Going to Hurt Me More Than It Is Going to Hurt You.” In it, we challenged the readers to examine a widely accepted view of spanking from a different perspective. We challenged conventional wisdom and asked parents to consider how hitting children as a form of discipline may actually be hurting the parent in ways they were previously unaware of.

We greatly appreciate your willingness to share your comments with us as you examine your own parenting style and are challenged by different views on raising responsible, caring, confident children. While it is not our desire to tell you how to parent your children, we do want to provide readers with techniques and strategies for raising children with grace, integrity, and love.

Since you asked, my personal thoughts about the Biblical issue follow.

As an ordained minister I spent 8 years learning the Hebrew and Greek language so as to study the Bible in its original language. Since that time, almost 20 years ago, I have spent many laboring hours preparing sermons and writing Bible studies on topics of marriage, love, money, miracles, gifts of the Spirit, parenting, and most importantly the Grace of God as seen through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was with great respect for the scriptures that I undertook a call to raise the consciousness of parents throughout the world. It is with this same respect and conviction that I offer a look at a Biblical perspective on spanking.

Christian parents frequently seek the Bible in their effort to raise godly children. They believe that there is a biblical mandate to spank and they fear that if they don't spank, they will commit the sin of losing control of their child. They believe that God has commended them to spank and they take “spare the rod and spoil the child” literally. In doing so they misunderstand the concept of the rod. The following are the biblical verses which have caused the greatest confusion:

 

“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” (Proverbs 13:24)

“Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.” (Proverbs 22:15)

“Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.” (Proverbs 23:13-14)

“The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.” (Proverbs 29:15)

At first glance these verses seem to be in strong support of the use of corporal punishment. But are they really? A closer examination of the Hebrew word for “rod” (shebet) sheds more light on the subject. In the Hebrew dictionary “rod” has various meanings: a stick for walking, writing, fighting, ruling, and punishment. The word “shebet” is most frequently used when referring to shepherds who are tending their flocks. The shepherds used the stick to fight off predators and to gently guide wandering sheep, not strike them for being out of line.

The verses that contain this material were written in poetic form. Writers of poetry typically use familiar words of the day to represent concepts and create imagery of what they are writing about. The “rod” can as easily be interpreted as a gentle guide as it can a stick for hitting children.

The image that I believe we are to extract from these verses in Proverbs is one of creating a culture of accountability in our families. The point that God is making here is that we as parents are to hold our children accountable for their choices and actions. That is His desire.

There are many ways to hold a child accountable, and corporal punishment (spanking) does not have to be one of them.

Reread the passages above and replace the references to punishment and the use of the rod with the word “accountability” and notice what happens.

For example:

Proverbs 13:24 would read, “He who spares accountability hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.”

Proverbs 22:15 would read, “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child. But holding him accountable will drive it far from him.”

Proverbs 23:13-14 would read, “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you create a culture of accountability he will not die. Create accountability and save his soul from death.”

Proverbs 29:15 would read, “The culture of accountability imparts wisdom, but a child left to itself disgraces his mother.”

As Christians, we believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God. Yet some Christians hold fast to interpreting the “rod” in the Proverbs passages as a mandate to spank. They interpret the passages written many years ago in the language of the time with today’s words and context. They take the passages literally, staunchly claiming that that’s what the Bible says.

But what about these passages?

“Anyone who attacks his father or his mother must be put to death.” (Exodus 21:15)

“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother, and his blood will be on his own head.” (Leviticus 20:9)

Almost every parent would admit that their child has said, “I hate you,” or “You’re not the boss of me,” at one time or another. But no one argues that their child should be put to death in these cases.

No, children don’t need to be put to death and they don’t need to be spanked either. They do need to be held accountable for their actions and choices, however. The Bible simply does not support spanking. It supports holding children accountable. It says, “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) “Training” does not mean spanking, hitting, or any other form of corporal punishment.

Chick and I believe that creating a culture of accountability is the most loving thing you can do for your children. We believe in holding children accountable within a model that Jesus gave us. In the New Testament Jesus modified the Old Testament by providing us with a model of gentleness and love. He changed the eye-for-an-eye approach and called for turning the other cheek and forgiving seven times seventy.

Consider these inspired words of God in your parenting:

“Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

“Fathers do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Colossians 3:21)

“What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a whip, or in love with a gentle spirit?” (Corinthians 4:21).

Become an enlightened parent, one who is moved and inspired by the word of God that calls for grace, gentleness, forgiveness, and love in all that you do. Challenge yourself to create a Christ-like approach to parenting. Seek strategies and techniques that enable you to parent to the soul of your child.

Refrain from using the Bible as an excuse to spank. Use it instead to help you create a higher vision of yourself as a parent and to become the parent you always wanted to be.

Warmest regards,

Thomas Haller


3. I Couldn’t Sleep Last Night


I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about the upcoming facilitator training in The Parent Talk System.

I love it when exciting and stimulating thoughts bombard my mind and beg to be written down and implemented. That’s not good for my sleep quotient, but it ups my creativity level immensely. Want to know the thoughts and ideas that forced me from the bed to my computer so that I could share them with you? Here they are.

 

Make a difference in the lives of parents and children in your community, church, or school.

Do you feel called in your soul to help parents consider the possibility that there might be a better way, an enlightened way, to parent?

Are you interested in helping parents move from a fear- and shame-based parenting style to one that is love-based?

Would you consider helping the parents in your community make a shift in perception that would allow them to become the change that will change our world for the better?

Are you ready to make a giant leap forward to actualizing your potential as a healer of the planet?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the dynamic, upcoming three-day training seminar in the Parent Talk System is definitely for you!

Program Specifics:

The Parent Talk System Facilitator Training
June 16-18
Spring Arbor University
Dearborn, MI

Facilitated by Chick Moorman, Sarah Knapp, and Judith Minton

Limited to 35 participants

A rewarding experience awaits you.

By attending this training and becoming a Parent Talk Facilitator you will join the growing cadre of over 200 facilitators now practicing in seventeen states, Australia, Canada, Mexico, and Spain. This select group is working diligently to improve family life in their communities.

I received the following communication yesterday from recently trained Parent Talk Facilitator Nica Eaton-Guinn, of Santa Barbara, CA. Nica writes:

 

“I just finished teaching my first class tonight, and loved it. I have 10 participants, and they felt they gained a great deal from the class, including the teacher and the ‘skeptic.’ Thanks for the clear way in which the facilitator's manual is laid out, and for the wisdom you have given us to teach! It is an honor to share this information with people and to make the world a better place, one family at a time! The teacher in the group already raved about ways in which she could use this in the classroom and is talking about having me come to her school to teach this. So, I acted as if . . . and it worked!”

 

You might be thinking, “But I don’t have any experience presenting to people.”

I promise you that if you take this training you will leave at the end of three days with the skills, tools and confidence to present this life-changing material to others.

You will learn:

1.) The Parent Talk System, including the 6 two-hour modules that teach parents the verbal skills necessary to raise responsible, caring, confident children.

2.) Strategies that allow you to teach the verbal skills with expertise and confidence.

3.) Promotional and publicity skills/tools to attract interested participants.

You will receive:

A facilitators’ manual, 15 parent workbooks (starter kit), 2 supplemental videos, Parent Talk book (hard cover), graduation certificate, access to the Parent Talk facilitators’ section of my website, a special monthly trainers’ newsletter, and ongoing technical assistance.

 

Begin or enhance your speaking career with a proven delivery system.

I get really frustrated when I hear other speakers present on parenting issues and all they do is talk about general philosophy and give pie-in-the-sky examples. Often the parents attending those sessions leave more confused than when they entered. Many times they leave with nothing they can go back and put to use immediately.

If you learn the Parent Talk System, you will insure that your participants will leave your trainings with specific skills they can begin implementing the same night.

You could spend hours designing, researching, and writing a parent program of your own. What for? There is no need to reinvent the wheel. Eliminate the many field tests it would take to ensure that your training would get the results you want. Know that the model you teach is research based and skill oriented. Be confident that it delivers real skills to parents that work with real children.

Jumpstart your speaking career or give it that needed shot-in-the-arm by learning the Parent Talk System, a model that is already being implemented successfully around the world.

Space is limited.

Sign up today to reserve your space in the next Parent Talk System Facilitators Training.

Training includes:

3-day seminar and participant packet…………..$300

Facilitators’ manual…………………………….…$300

15 parent workbooks (Starter Kit)……………….$105

2 supplemental videos…………………………....$60

Parent Talk book (Hard cover)…………………..$25

Continental breakfast and lunch provided…… ..$40

Access to facilitators’ webpage…………….… facilitators only (no fee)

Special facilitators’ newsletter (monthly)……….facilitators only (no fee)

Graduation certificate……………………………...priceless

Total Value…………………………………….…....$830

Price to participants for total package………..$495

Credit option: Two hours graduate credit is available for Spring Arbor University for an additional fee of $130.

Don’t miss this opportunity. Sign up today.

Call toll free…..877-360-1477

Email…………..ipp57@aol.com

Fax……………..989-343-5156

Mail……………The Parent Talk System

P.O. Box 547

Merrill, MI 48637

 

Talented and experienced trainers

Chick Moorman is the author of the Parent Talk book that started it all. He is a 40-year veteran of working in the field of education. He raised 4 children and single-parented 2 grandchildren for 3 ½ years. Chick is the author of numerous books and has presented to over 300,000 parents and educators. He is one of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. www.chickmoorman.com

Sarah Knapp is the co-designer of the Language of Response-Able Parenting, along with Chick. Sarah is the president of Advantage Discipline and is well known for authoring several treatment planners for counselors and mental health professionals. She is a former school social worker with an extensive background in presenting the Parent Talk System to parents and teachers.

Judith Minton, president of Voice Works Seminars, has a strong background in presenting parenting programs to corporate clients. She holds the record for the greatest number of Parent Talk System classes taught. Judith wrote the marketing section of the Parent Talk System facilitators’ training.

 

The Parent Talk System helps you . . .

By providing a 150-page trainers’ manual . . . so you don’t have to redesign or create a parent training.

By providing you with easy-to-follow directions for teaching the 6 modules, including questions to ask, possible answers, and additional information not available to the participants . . . to keep you one step ahead of the parents, feeling confident and in control.

By giving you supplemental videos to use for the major lecture burst pieces of the course . . . so you can catch your breath and review what you are going to do next.

By including 21 verbal skills in the parent training . . . to ensure that parents exit with a full toolbox of possible strategies to use when they leave your training.

By providing you with registration forms, evaluation forms, sample advertisements, business cards, copy-ready logos and letterhead . . . so you look and feel like the professional parent trainer that you will become.

By supplying you with 8 ready-to-go transparencies to use . . . to help keep your participants on task.

By providing ongoing technical assistance and help with answering your questions and those of your participants . . . so that you have support and encouragement at every step throughout the process of being a Parent Talk facilitator.

 

One more thing . . .

People who take this seminar will have all the fun.

1.) They will meet and network with a cadre of like-minded participants who are committed to promoting enlightened parenting in the world.

2.) They will learn the skills and confidence necessary to move ahead in their careers by learning how to quickly and easily enter the field of parent training.

3.) They will receive affirmation and appreciation from participants, such as:

    • “Thank you for doing this. You helped me reestablish my connection with my son. He even lets me hug him now.”
    • “Your efforts have helped me immensely. I haven’t yelled at my daughter in weeks. I like who I am as a parent now.”
    • “I didn’t realize what I was doing to my children. You have helped me open my eyes and my heart. Thank you.”

4.) They will go home at night feeling happy that they have helped heal the planet, one family at a time.

Don’t you want to have some of that fun? There is still space available in the Dearborn, MI, Parent Talk System training.

I want to have you join me in Dearborn, MI, on June 16-18 so you can learn how to spread enlightened parenting to those in need. Please sign up today.

There, now maybe I can get back to sleep.

Take care,

 

Chick Moorman

Director, The Parent Talk System

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To find out more about workshops, seminars, and keynote addresses presented by Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller, contact them at (toll-free) 877-360-1477 or visit www.thomashaller.com or www.chickmoorman.com.

________________________________________

Copyright 2005 Chick Moorman Seminars and Haller's Healing Minds, all rights reserved. Share this with your circle.

 

 

 

 
 
 
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