IN THIS ISSUE
2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
3. Bumper Sticker
4. Article: Affirming Your Child's Voice
5. Did You Know?
"Children have never been very good at listening to their elders,
but they have never failed to imitate them."
2. Spirit Whisperer Contemplation
Why not consult your inner authority today? When presented
with parenting decisions that need to be made, check it out inside.
Follow through on the message you receive and see what happens.
3. Bumper Sticker
Spotted on a white Buick Rendezvous in Atlanta, GA:.
My Kid Has ADD
And Two F's
4. Article: Affirming Your Child's Voice: How and When
to Encourage Your Child to Speak Up
Affirming Your Child's Voice How and When to Encourage
Your Child to Speak Up
By Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
"Stop interrupting me when I'm talking."
"You have to learn to speak up for yourself."
"You ask too many questions."
"Tell me with words. I don't understand whining."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Don't bug me when I'm on the phone."
"You should have brought that concern to me."
These phrases and others like them are sending mixed messages
to our children. They are telling them: Talk, but don't talk. I want
to hear your opinion, but not all the time. It's no wonder many of our
children are confused about when and how to access their own voice.
Children don't automatically know when and how to speak
up. They don't understand the appropriate times to interrupt. Nor do
they often demonstrate the skills that will enable them to speak up
effectively. They don't understand the power of words and how to use
them to create change in their lives.
The most effective way for children to learn when and
how to speak up is for you to teach them. If you want children to learn
to use their voice in appropriate ways at appropriate times, you have
to help them.
Below are suggestions for when and how to encourage your child to create
his or her own voice so he or she can become an empowered, confident,
Children need to speak up when . . .
1.) They need help.
Children need help stacking blocks, reaching toys on
a high shelf, writing a thank-you letter, understanding a math concept,
handling a peer relationship, and in many other situations as they move
through each developmental stage. Some situations they can handle themselves.
Others they cannot. A key component to becoming independent is knowing
when and how to ask for help.
2.) They want something.
Yes, it's okay for children to ask for what they want.
Just because a child learns to speak up and ask for what she wants doesn't
mean she will get it. Sometimes what a child wants is unhealthy or unsafe.
It is our job as parents to deny those requests while respecting the
child's right to vocalize her desire to get what she wants.
For some children, whining becomes the preferred way
of asking for what they want. Our role is to give our children useful
words to say what they want instead of whining. By helping them learn
to say, "I want to stay up longer," "I want to be held,"
or "I want to get down," you teach them that using words is
their best hope for getting what they want in your family. They also
come to understand that whining doesn't work with you.
Say, "Brandon, that is whining. Whining doesn't work
with me. Use your words to tell me what you want. By using words, you
sometimes get what you want. Sometimes you don't. And it's your only
3.) They prefer NOT to have something.
Did you ever go on vacation with a teenager who didn't
want to be there, one who pouted for the entire week you spent in a
cabin in the woods? If so, you know the value of teaching children to
voice their opposition to something you want for them. "I don't
really like hooded sweatshirts" is important information to have
before you make a sixty-dollar purchase that your child will never wear.
"Lima beans are my least favorite vegetable" is valuable data
to accumulate before you head to the grocery store.
4.) Their personal space has been violated.
Children need to be taught to find and access their voice
whenever they experience inappropriate touch. Being touched in the private
areas is always inappropriate. A discussion of appropriate and inappropriate
touch needs to be held early and often in a child's life. Role-play
both kinds of touch. Teach your children to speak up clearly if inappropriate
touch occurs. Teach young children to say, "That's not appropriate,"
or "Nobody gets to touch me there." Teach them to use their
voice to tell you if anyone touches them in an inappropriate way. Practice
that conversation. Teach them the words to use. "Dad, Billy touched
me," or "I got a wrong touch."
Help your teen learn to say, "It's my body and I
want you to respect it," and "The answer is 'No' and I don't
need a reason."
In addition to inappropriate touch, children need to learn
to speak up to defend their personal space. Aunt Tilly doesn't get to
plant a big wet kiss on a child without his approval. Your child does
not have to be hugged if he doesn't want a hug. Even the gentlest touch
in the most common of places is not okay if the child doesn't feel like
being touched. Help him or her to say, "I don't really want a hug
right now," and "I'm not comfortable being kissed."
5.) They are asked a direct question.
Recently, we asked a four-year-old how she was doing.
The mother spoke for the child and replied, "She's feeling kind
of shy today." The child never looked up. There was no need to.
The mother was her voice.
When you speak for your child, you teach her there is
no need to activate her own voice. The message you send her is "Your
voice is not important. There is no need to use it. I'll take care of
your thinking and responding." When you speak for your child, you
encourage her to do less speaking for herself in the future.
6.) Someone is in danger.
We wish someone had spoken up before the massacre at Columbine
High School a few years ago. We wish someone had used his or her voice
before the most recent teen suicide. Whenever there is potential danger,
we want and need children to speak up. And we want them to do it quickly.
"I don't want to hear any tattling" a parent
recently told her son as he began to tell a story about his older sister.
But what if the older sister was stuck in a tree and was hanging from
her broken ankle? What if the sibling was playing with matches? What
if a schoolmate was urging her to sniff cleaning fluid?
Teach your child the difference between getting someone
IN trouble and getting them OUT of trouble. If your son wants to tell
you about how his sister took his ball to get her in trouble, teach
him to use his voice to communicate his desires and feelings to his
sister. Teach him to say, "I don't like it when you take my ball.
I want you to give it back." Be there with him when he speaks to
his sister to make sure his words are heard.
If your son witnesses a dangerous situation, teach him
to communicate it quickly and directly. Give him some starter words
that will tip you off that he is communicating potential danger. "Mom,
I see danger," "Shannon needs help," or "Trouble-alert"
work well as clues that danger is lurking.
7.) They feel afraid, angry, sad, hurt, or frustrated.
Teach your children to communicate their feelings. Use
feeling words in their presence often so they develop a broad-based
feeling vocabulary. Say, "I'm feeling really frustrated right now,"
"I get scared when I climb on the roof," or "I'm disappointed
that the rain washed out my softball game." By using feeling words
yourself, you help your children learn about their own feelings and
the need to express them. You give them permission to have feelings
and teach them the names for those feelings so they are more likely
to articulate them in the future.
Tell your youngster, "You seem really angry with
your brother right now. Why not tell him how angry you get when he marks
on your paper?" Say to your teen, "Sounds to me like you are
deeply disappointed that your dad wasn't there on time. It might be
helpful to him and to you to communicate that to him."
Finding and learning how to use their own voice is a
lifelong process for children. By implementing the above strategies
with respect, patience, and understanding, we help our children gain
skill and confidence when speaking up for themselves.
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of The
10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose (available from Personal Power
Press at toll-free 877-360-1477, amazon.com, and bookstores everywhere).
They also publish a FREE email newsletter for parents. Subscribe to
it at firstname.lastname@example.org. Visit www.thomashaller.com, www.chickmoorman.com,
5. Did You Know?